Tuesday, November 14, 2006

My answer to Michael Moore's "Liberal's Pledge to Disheartened Conservatives"

Found here:



FReeper VRWCmember had a similar idea.


Does this screed look familiar to anyone who has surfed DU? It should. FReeper jennyjenny brought to my attention that the DUmmies are saying it looks an awful lot like this thread, posted by DUmmie "The Witch" last week.


Interesting subthread develops when The Witch visits the thread I just mentioned...

A Liberal's Pledge to Disheartened Conservatives

Get ready to laugh.

November 14th, 2006

Only 780 days, Ten Hours, 40 minutes and 58 seconds until the end of the Democrat ConRegress.

To My Conservative Brothers and Sisters,

I am not related to you. I don't even think we're the same species. I'm a human, you're a...uhhh...errr...whatever.

I know you are dismayed and disheartened at the results of last week's election.

And yet, we're mature enough to not scream about "stolen elections". You may want to learn that so you can live it next time around.

You're worried that the country is heading toward a very bad place you don't want it to go.

No. We know it's headed in a bad direction. Hell, I'm half tempted to let you idiots run things for the next six years so America will learn a lesson.

Your 12-year Republican Revolution has ended with so much yet to do, so many promises left unfulfilled. You are in a funk, and I understand.

Who said it's over? Supreme Lord Rove didn't send me that memo...

Well, cheer up, my friends! Do not despair. I have good news for you. I, and the millions of others who are now in charge with our Democratic Congress, have a pledge we would like to make to you, a list of promises that we offer you because we value you as our fellow Americans.

Wait. Didn't you support Nader in 2000? You think Pelosi's going to listen to you?

You deserve to know what we plan to do with our newfound power -- and, to be specific, what we will do to you and for you.

Enlighten us, oh Rotund One.

Thus, here is our Liberal's Pledge to Disheartened Conservatives:

And they're just as reliable as Clinton's '92 campaign promises!!!

Dear Conservatives and Republicans,

I, and my fellow signatories, hereby make these promises to you:

And, you know a liberal's word is like gold./sarcasm

1. We will always respect you for your conservative beliefs. We will never, ever, call you "unpatriotic" simply because you disagree with us. In fact, we encourage you to dissent and disagree with us.

No, you just encourage our murder. Note: there are bracketed numbers after the quotes in the link above. The one I intended to point out was the one numbered 49, from Sept. 12, 2001.

2. We will let you marry whomever you want, even when some of us consider your behavior to be "different" or "immoral." Who you marry is none of our business. Love and be in love -- it's a wonderful gift.

Isn't that sweet? Can I marry 2 people? How about three? Who are you to say that love can't be between 1757 people? Polygaphobe.

3. We will not spend your grandchildren's money on our personal whims or to enrich our friends. It's your checkbook, too, and we will balance it for you.

Sen. Kennedy will be deeply disappointed.

4. When we soon bring our sons and daughters home from Iraq, we will bring your sons and daughters home, too. They deserve to live. We promise never to send your kids off to war based on either a mistake or a lie.

Why don't you just give the "insurgents" a ride over here, too? Make it easier on them.

5. When we make America the last Western democracy to have universal health coverage, and all Americans are able to get help when they fall ill, we promise that you, too, will be able to see a doctor, regardless of your ability to pay.

And lord knows that we'll have a hard time paying once the "Federal Tax Independence Day" is moved to after the actual Independence Day.

And when stem cell research delivers treatments and cures for diseases that affect you and your loved ones, we'll make sure those advances are available to you and your family, too.

And when pigs sprout wings, we can all live on pork wings and no one will ever go hungry again and the Mississippi River will flow with milk and honey and no one will ever stub their toes, all thanks to government!!!!

6. Even though you have opposed environmental regulation, when we clean up our air and water, we, the Democratic majority, will let you, too, breathe the cleaner air and drink the purer water.

Oh, puh-lease.

7. Should a mass murderer ever kill 3,000 people on our soil, we will devote every single resource to tracking him down and bringing him to justice. Immediately. We will protect you.

I've got a better idea. When said mass murderer is offered to you on a silver platter, TAKE HIM, BEFORE HE CAN EXECUTE HIS PLAN, YOU FRIGGIN MORON. But, then again, it didn't really sound like you were willing to protect us earlier, now did it?

8. We will never stick our nose in your bedroom or your womb. What you do there as consenting adults is your business. We will continue to count your age from the moment you were born, not the moment you were conceived.

Show of hands, who here calculates their age from date of conception? No one. I do know of other cultures that have done that. Oh wait, that would make Mr. Moore bigoted against other cultures. For penance, he must recite the Democrat Party platform 20 times.

9. We will not take away your hunting guns. If you need an automatic weapon or a handgun to kill a bird or a deer, then you really aren't much of a hunter and you should, perhaps, pick up another sport. We will make our streets and schools as free as we can from these weapons and we will protect your children just as we would protect ours.

What part of "the right of the People to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed" do you not understand?

10. When we raise the minimum wage, we will pay you -- and your employees -- that new wage, too. When women are finally paid what men make, we will pay conservative women that wage, too.

You will? I always thought what I made was paid to me by my employer? But, if you want to slide some of the money you made from the sheep over this way, I won't blame you...

11. We will respect your religious beliefs, even when you don't put those beliefs into practice. In fact, we will actively seek to promote your most radical religious beliefs ("Blessed are the poor," "Blessed are the peacemakers," "Love your enemies," "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God," and "Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."). We will let people in other countries know that God doesn't just bless America, he blesses everyone. We will discourage religious intolerance and fanaticism -- starting with the fanaticism here at home, thus setting a good example for the rest of the world.

Oh, really? So the blathering of your sheep on DU bears no reflection on what you want?

12. We will not tolerate politicians who are corrupt and who are bought and paid for by the rich. We will go after any elected leader who puts him or herself ahead of the people. And we promise you we will go after the corrupt politicians on our side FIRST. If we fail to do this, we need you to call us on it. Simply because we are in power does not give us the right to turn our heads the other way when our party goes astray. Please perform this important duty as the loyal opposition.

Well, you ought to start with Pelosi. Then Hastings. Then Blagojevich. Then Reid. Then...

I promise all of the above to you because this is your country, too. You are every bit as American as we are. We are all in this together. We sink or swim as one. Thank you for your years of service to this country and for giving us the opportunity to see if we can make things a bit better for our 300 million fellow Americans -- and for the rest of the world.

By all means. Just know that when you f*ck this country up, we will make you pay for it. Big time.


Michael Moore mmflint@aol.com

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